A Type of Hunger No Food Can Satisfy

I'm a binger. Yes, I'm a compulsive overeater, a food processor, a vacuum cleaner. When I'm in binging mode, put a morsel of food in front of me and it will disappear within seconds. But wait, that's not quite true: I am actually selective when it comes to overeating, I select mac & cheese, ice cream, chocolate, pastries, yummy, yummy, I'm getting hungry again. Why do I binge eat? I've asked myself (and other people) that question a thousand times. Ever since I turned 12 years old and sneaked out of my room at night to fill my mouth with m & m's that weren't bought for me. I binge-eat because I'm bored, because I'm sad, because I'm happy, because I'm fat, thin or in between, because I have big boobs and chubby knees, because I exercised today, because I didn't exercise today, because I'll exercise tomorrow. I binge eat because I have a type of hunger that no food can satisfy.

I can come up with a thousand reasons of why I've eaten compulsively the last couple of days: I have my doctoral exams in three weeks and I'm FREAKING OUT; I'm getting married in a few months and... yes, you guessed it, I'm FREAKING OUT! We got a new puppy and although she's awesome, well, she's a puppy, which can be a bitch sometimes (no pun intended). The thing is, it doesn't really matter WHY I binged these last couple of days; it probably matters more to try to find out why my reaction is to overeat when I'm under a lot of stress.

Geneen Roth, whom I deeply admire (but whose opinions I don't always agree with), says that we must forgive ourselves when we binge. That we need to look at binging as a savior, as opposed to our mortal enemy. Sometimes life is too hard, sometimes we're happy and feel we shouldn't be. Sometimes we just can't deal with what the day is putting in our way. Fine, it's okay to binge and forget the world for a few minutes. You should try to not do it every day. The idea, Geneen says, is to trust your body's signals. That reminds me of the Two Fit Chicks' podcast about intuitive eating and makes me think that this looking at eating as a way of nourishing myself and not as a path to self destruction is very new . At least it's extremely new for me. Until very recently I was counting calories, overexercising, restricting as much as I could, feeling miserable and weak and a loser if I overate. And there came a point, especially after my step-sister died of an anorexia-induced liver condition, when I was overeating ALL the time... And then over exercising. It was a bulimia of sorts.

After reading Geneen's work, as well as Valerie Frankel's, Shauna Reid's and Crystal Renn's memoirs, I vowed to never count calories again, to never diet again and to never weigh myself at home. I have been able to keep my promises for the most part; except the calorie counting, which I fall into in moments of desperation and which after a few days lead me straight to a raving binge. So yes, no more calorie counting for this binger. The food obsession seems to be diminishing for me. Now I exercise because I love it (my next blog post will be called "Boxing for the Soul." You know, like "chicken soup for the..." ok, you get the drill) and because it makes me feel like a million dollars despite (or, I would say, thanks to) the sore muscles and overall exhaustion.

So yes, dear reader (do you actually exist? I'm starting to think that I'm just talking to myself), I binged today. I'm not going to talk about "getting back on track tomorrow," because I should not be going back to anything except to listen to my body, take it easy, exercise, breath deeply and thank whomever is up there (and who has gotten me out of some horrid situations) that I'm healthy and not as disturbed as my step-sister was, and for having the introspection to be writing this today. I'm not looking for a cure because I'm not sick. I just need to scape the world for a few minutes every now and then.

You are beautiful, whomever you are.