Which mirror do I trust?

Hello beautiful readers,

This is a post to ask you all if you've had this experience: you wake up in the morning, exercise perhaps, eat a healthy breakfast, feel good and energized (perhaps you neither exercise nor eat a healthy breakfasts, but you still feel good). You go to your closet, carefully (or not so much) choose an outfit, you put it on (everything fits, thank goodness) and look at yourself in your full mirror...

You analyze every little detail of your ensemble: pants look good, perhaps a bit snug, perhaps they fit perfectly, but they definitely make your butt look fine; the shirt makes your neck and cleavage lean and sexy; the colors highlight your skin; your skin itself glows; your shoes match and feel comfortable. You are ready for a day's work, you feel great....

Fast forward to a couple of hours later: you've been sitting at your desk, or in the library, or you have been walking around feeling good about how you look; perhaps you haven't really thought about how you look because you were certain everything was "in order" in the morning. You go out on the street to buy coffee, or you go to the ladies' room and suddenly, WHAM! You catch a glimpse of yourself in one of those huge bathroom mirrors, or store windows, and suddenly don't look so good anymore.

Your legs seem to have grown two full inches in circumference from the moment you left the house; your stomach is bulging from the top of your jeans, and your shirt is doing nothing for your neck anymore. In fact, you suddenly feel that all you need is a pair of screws on each side of your head to look exactly like Frankenstein...WHAT HAPPENED????

A few hours later, however, you go back home and look at yourself in the mirror again. Everything looks good again. You might be a bit tired from work, but nothing more: jeans look fine, shirt in place, un-sagging neck, shoes to match... Hmm... Who (or which mirror) do I believe?

Perhaps this difference in perceptions (or reflections) has to do with the spaces where the mirrors are: do you feel safe and loved at home? Does your appearance matter so much (as it matters to you) to the people who care about you? Do you feel that you're being "watched" on the street or at work, being judged by what you're wearing or how you look? Or is it the other way around?

Unfortunately, I tend to believe more in what the "outside" mirrors tell me, which is usually negative. This leads me to another question: why do we tend to give more weight (no pun intended) to negative or hurtful comments than we do to loving ones? Why do we believe more in our outside mirrors than we do in our inside ones? Why is my home mirror lying to me, while the mirror in a dressing room at a store or at my mom's apartment are telling me "the truth," which is that I actually don't look as good as I thought. My goal for this week is to start believing in my inner (in-house) reflection... Wanna join the challenge?

You are beautiful, whomever you are...

Founding Statement

Good morning, beautiful readers, this is a blog about my path to accepting myself and loving my body just the way it looks. The name of the blog, Love My Body Love Myself might seem a bit self centered... Like I already love my body so much (and it's so irresistible), that I can't help but love myself. The truth is, this title is more wishful thinking than a reality, for now. Hopefully, in some time I will be able to really love my body and love myself. Let me make one thing clear: I don't think that the only way of loving myself is through being satisfied with my physical appearance, no way. I'm happy with the fact that I'm a fully-functional individual, with a great family, a loving boyfriend and several intellectual achievements; however, the nagging "body issue" is here, no matter what I weigh, what I'm wearing or who tells me that I look good... It just doesn't go away.

The battle with my body began when I was around 12, a time when a lot of girls develop issues with their appearance. I had just entered puberty, my parents were separating, a lived practically alone with two abusive older brothers (we're really close now and love one another to pieces) and well, I gained about 25 lbs in a period of 6 to 8 months. Keep in mind, beautiful reader, that I also grew about 15 inches during that period. Of course, I suddenly found myself with boobs, thighs and hips that had not been there a few months before. What the hell??? Like for many other people, my parents played a big role in making me incredibly self conscious of my body: they just didn't want a fat daughter... That was the end of it. My mom used to control my portions, put me on diets and make me exercise. My dad just looked at me disapprovingly... Don't get me wrong, I love my parents. They have been wonderful companions: always present in a discreet way; they've been supporting of all my endeavors and I couldn't have asked for a better family, in general. They were, when I was 12, going through their own issues and were suffering quite a bit. I don't blame them anymore; I'm just telling you what happened. Anyway, as stubborn and rebellious as I am, I just went against everything my parents told me about losing weight and I sneaked food all over the place, I ate three, four, five whole meals throughout the day; when I got a car at 16, I would go to the supermarket and spend my allowance on food, which I would eat inside the car, etc., etc., you know the drill.

By the time I turned 18, I was a bit overweight, not too much. I guess my guilt about my parents' preoccupations, and certainly about how I looked, got the best of my rebelliousness, and didn't allow me to become too terribly heavy, which I'm thankful for. I was never obese and I'm not obese now, but I have never felt good about how I look. Last year I lost about 20 lbs and I thought it was going to translate into incredible happiness. I've hardly ever been so miserable as during those days. I was eating 1,300 calories and exercising about 90 minutes a day. Oh! And I was vegan, mind you... Yes, lots of weight loss, lots of obsession, lots of suffering thinking that I would gain the weight back. Guess what happened? I did gain it back, of course I did! More misery ensued while I kept trying to "get back on track" unsuccessfully.

Now, I've realized that I'm healthy: still a vegetarian, but no longer a vegan (I have deep respect for veganism and for those who practice it. For me it is just too related to my food obsession, so I rather abstain from meat, while eating dairy and eggs), I haven't been able to really get back to exercising as much as I'd like, but I'm active and feel I have a better relationship with food, but not necessarily with my body. This is what this blog is for. I've recently realized how important it is to appreciate the diversity of bodies out there. They come in all sizes, weights and colors.

Enough for now... I didn't realize how difficult it would be to write a blog, so forgive me if this is not particularly entertaining or illuminating. It'll get better over time.

I think you're beautiful, whoever you are...